Mrs California International 2013: Talking about our fallen

I think it’s very important for our community and country to know about surviving families – families who have lost their service member to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Often times families feel ostracized after a loss even saying that it seems that others feel that being a widow is contagious. Sometimes moving to new communities that don’t know how to react to such loss even going as far as demanding that their husband be present for certain transactions (obviously not understanding what it means to be widowed). There are unique challenges to being the surviving spouse and family of a fallen service member.

Having worked with the surviving spouse/family community for the past several years I have learned so much. I have listened to stories about their amazing husbands (and ones that involved leaving socks on the floor), stories about children missing daddy and schools that just don’t get it. Sadly from the moment they learn of their loved ones death there are decisions to be made and changes to learn.

Recently I asked several spouses to tell me the things that they wanted others to know about them as a community. I asked about their needs, stigmas that they don’t like and just some much needed information to share. I remember the first time I met 10 surviving family, and wondering how to act or respond. I learned very quickly that it’s ok to talk about their husband/fathers, it’s ok to ask about his life and it’s ok to cry. It’s funny conversations about life that lead to learning about men that I will never have the pleasure of meeting. Through friendships I have learned so many cool things about our fallen service members. I laugh with Patty that Mark is just like Grant, both soldiers to the Nth degree and that David had a great sense of humor, loved to make people laugh (evident in Salina’s stories). I also learned that so many service members don’t want to ask for help, don’t realize they need it until it’s too late. I have learned about suicide and PTSD from speaking to Megan, Jennifer and Kylynn about their husband’s struggles.

Several spouses told me that people need to realize that their smiles and humor is how they cope; what some may think is an odd conversation they find comforting. I was also told that they want people to talk about their husbands, remember their sacrifice not clam up and act like they didn't exist. These men were human being’s, these couples had dreams and goals for their lives and even though their lives were cut short they are no less important and should be talked about.

With the total service members killed in action being over 6600 and the number of those committing suicide growing we need to take care of each family. When we each sit down to our dinner tables at night, take a moment and say a prayer for those that aren't home for dinner... our military that is fighting for our freedoms, our military that are in hospitals with injuries and our military that paid the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

Los Angeles National Cemetery - Wreaths have been placed. Such a beautiful sight

For it has been said so truthfully that it is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the agitator, who has given us the freedom to protest. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom to abuse and burn that flag. – Zell Miller

You know those days, events or moment where there are just no words? I am never one to be speechless, sadly if I’m nervous I usually make a joke however this day even that didn’t come to me. On December 15 I volunteered to lay wreaths at the graves of our fallen service members as part of Wreaths Across America at the Los Angeles National Cemetery. Wreaths Across America’s mission, Remember, Honor, Teach, is carried out in part by coordinating wreath laying ceremonies a specified Saturday in December at Arlington, as well as veterans’ cemeteries and other locations in all 50 states and beyond.

In the days leading up to Saturday I received several emails from the volunteer coordinator with wreath counts asking for additional publicity and donations to bring in as many wreaths as possible this year. The Los Angeles National Cemetery was dedicated in 1889, with over 114 acres and 85000 graves, from the Civil War, the Spanish-American War, World War I, World War II, Korean War, wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and other American conflicts the goal is to cover every one with a beautiful wreath. When I showed up I was told that LANC had received 950 wreaths to be laid which is almost 700 more than last year thanks to donations. As I walked towards the stage I saw Debra, Salina and Kylynn, both women I have learned so much from. They told me that I would be riding along with the Patriot Guard Riders to lay 60 wreaths. I had no idea what was next and I can be honest in saying that my level of respect and pride increased exponentially over the next 4 hours.

While most volunteers, gently laid the wreaths and went onto the next headstone the Patriot Guard Riders read short bios on each veteran we laid a wreath for, gave them each full respect and salute; if family was present they also spoke about their loved one. I met several Gold Star Moms there to lay wreaths for their sons and heard some great stories about these young men. I saw pictures, heard stories and hugged more people in one day than in my entire life. I wish more people saw the faces of our fallen versus just their name – I met the mother of Army Staff Sgt. Curreri a young man that attended USC and qualified for the 2000 Olympic trials before September 11 changed his path. His photo was on his headstone along with many of the other young men buried there. I could have talked to the moms for hours about their sons, their grandchildren and their daughters in laws.

During the opening ceremony we were asked to take note of the names of the veterans who’s name headstone we laid the wreath at. To go home and look him/her up and learn a little about them... make them more than a passing moment on your Saturday morning. I laid several wreaths that Saturday, Sergeant Christopher Dwayne Young Company C, 3rd Battalion 160th Infantry a National Guard soldier killed in 2007, an unknown soldier from Vietnam and Sgt Charles I Sprague a WWI Soldier who died in 1949. Standing at the graves of a true heroes, with my hand upon my heart saying thank you was indescribable.

It took us almost 3 hours to lay our 60 wreaths, 3 hours of learning, thanking and honoring each man and woman laid to rest at LA National Cemetery. When it seemed that we were the only volunteers left in the cemetery, the feeling of love was all surrounding. That was all I needed to satisfy my holiday’s – I already have the daughter and husband I always wanted this was the icing on the cake. As we were leaving Debra, a Gold Star Wife that I met at Snowball Express handed me a gift as a thank you for being there. I teared up instantly as being there was my thank you to her for all she has endured... in the box was a beautiful spun glass Christmas tree with a tiny gold star on the top. This has become one of my most cherished things – it’s a representative of so much that I can’t explain. Long after Christmas this will sit on my desk at work as a reminder of this journey.